It is time, once again. Time for the commencement address that no one has asked for and no one will ever hear, packed with topics that are weird, questionable and above all, meaningless.
As the school year draws to a close, thousands of young people are about to step through another of life's turnstiles — brimming with enthusiasm, bad skin and most important, a marginal education. I am so proud of them. And so, we begin.
Graduates, faculty, Dean Dedlydul and, least of all, parents. It all comes down to this … first you're born, life is hard, then you die. Is that so hard to remember? Of course not. We could go on about values and ethics and making this world a better place, but you're already bored silly and I have to go by Costco and Trader Joe's after this and one more place that I can't remember, which is pathetic. Does that ever happen to you? Probably not. It will though. But there are some things you should know…wait, was it Ralph's? No, that's not it.