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Comments & Curiosities: Enjoy the attacks and slant while you can

October 30, 2010|By Peter Buffa

You're sad, aren't you? Be honest. You're all upset because Tuesday is Election Day and campaign season is almost over. You want the commercials and the campaign mail and the media coverage to just go on and on, don't you?

Political campaigns – you gotta love them. Yes, I know, you think it's all childish, mindless, meaningless drivel. But if you were a trained professional like me, you would realize that it is in reality childish, mindless, meaningless drivel. Worse yet, it's confusing. Don't worry.

Armed with the latest edition of the Official Certified Campaign 2010 Peter B. Election Handbook, you will never walk alone. In fact, when you walk through a storm hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the dark. Great Rodgers and Hammerstein tune, although I never figured out why anyone would be out walking through a storm, let alone when it's dark. Where were we? Wait, I remember, the Campaign 2010 Handbook. Read it, memorize it; don't leave home without it. Seriously. This is important. The future of Newport-Mesa, the state and the nation depends on it, sort of.

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"Section 1: How Do You Know Who's Telling the Truth?" I will never understand why people have such a hard time with that. It is so easy. Just read the campaign mail and listen to the commercials. Everything in them is true. It has to be. It's the law. It's not like politicians can just say outrageous things, drop sleazy innuendoes and spread distortions about each other. There are huge fines if you get caught doing that.

I find the commercials very helpful, especially in the races for governor and United States Senate. Try to watch as many of the Brown-Whitman, Boxer-Fiorina spots as you can. They are informative and uplifting, especially the spooky music and the pictures that make everyone's opponent look like a cross between Nick Nolte's mug shot and the Crypt Keeper.

I also would like to hear the phrase "big Texas oil companies" a few more times. Apparently, everything wrong in a state that is in free fall and has a $20 billion hole in its budget is caused by big Texas oil companies.

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