An amusing notion has been wandering around in my head in the days
proceeding the citywide ban on duck feeding in Newport Beach. What if
ducks could talk? And if they could, would they agree to an interview?
This is folly, of course, though I suspect the marketing mavens at AFLAC
would take exception.
At any rate, even occasional news consumers must be aware that on Feb.
7 the Newport Beach City Council launched an offensive on the city's duck
population. Why? It seems a considerable number of these good creatures
(better still when roasted and garnished with a tangy plum sauce) had
over the years established an entrenched beachhead on and around Balboa
Island.
But having done so -- lured there by the infinite bounty of bread and
grain and water left for them by caring souls -- claims surfaced that
mountains of duck dung were soiling harbor waters and certain frontages
on the Grand Canal.
And so the City Council made it criminal to regularly host ducks to a
meal except for the occasional scrap of bread.
Now, having seen that duck platoons have taken to roaming the island
for new food sources, the city is dispatching stealth squads to run
midnight duck raids (but only on the white fowl, since brown mallards are
off limits under federal law) for deportation to unknown inland
locations.
That background aside, we can imagine how an exclusive interview with
one of these disenfranchised ducks might go.
We were expecting to sit down with a representative of the white duck
population. What happened?
"I am a white duck."
You look like a brown mallard to us.
"We have no choice but to disguise ourselves. These are desperate
times for us. We must resort to whatever means are available to thwart
this clearly discriminatory action against our kind."
So you believe you're being singled out?
"Clearly. We don't enjoy the same federal protections that give
preferential treatment to brown mallards. They're rounding us up under
the ruse that our byproducts, shall we say, threaten water quality and
are the source of unpleasant odors. But I dare say that the mallards are
guilty of the same. They're coming for us because we're white."
That's a pretty strong charge.
"But nonetheless true."
What has been the reaction in the duck community to the city's ban on
the feeding of your people -- er, kind?
"Shock. Disappointment. Outraged by the hypocrisy."
The hypocrisy?
"Sure. We've been here for generations, long before people took over
the place. We've seen what they've done to the bay, to our waters, with
